I'm not ok
by Desuke-Love
Summary: It started off as a distraction, a control issue, but pretty soon, Kurt was enjoying the ever-shrinking reflection he saw in the mirror. Blaine didn't know what he was talking about. He wasn't ill. He was perfectly healthy. Just a little on the thin side
1. Chapter 1

**Yes, I know I have a lot of other stories I should be updating, but I'm in a bit of a rut and this just came to me. This is a story about anorexia, which is a serious condition and not silly or attention seeking. I've never been there myself, so I hope I do this justice.**

**Here is chapter one of I'm (not) ok.**

It started not long after his mother died.

He was reading the backs of food packets in a vain attempt to fill the miserable hours. That's when he discovered calories. And so calorie counting became a sort of hobby, something to keep him occupied, counting all his calories and making sure he didn't go over his recommended daily allowance.

He was ten when he discovered the benefits healthy eating would have on his hair, skin and nails. And doctors were always going on about healthy eating, so it didn't really matter that his calorie intake went down…

… And down and down. As the years passed, he was gradually cutting out all the foods with the most calories, starting with fats, then carbs. But it didn't worry him. He was still eating after all.

But then he came out, and the bullying he had always suffered got dramatically worse. And so did his obsession. Food became the one thing in his life he had control over, something he could focus on whenever things got too much. He would eat an apple in the morning; that was breakfast, wasn't it? His friends didn't think it odd when he had a salad for lunch; they were all girls, so many of them did themselves. And his father always got back from work at about 7.30. How was he to know that his son hadn't really eaten dinner?

It started off as a distraction, a control issue, but pretty soon, Kurt was enjoying the ever-shrinking reflection he saw in the mirror. He liked the feeling of his clothes getting bigger and bigger for him, relished having to go out and buy new, smaller clothes. He liked the fact that he could wear three, four layers, and nobody noticed just how thin he had gotten.

Until he realised that if nobody noticed, it must have meant that nobody cared. Nobody cared enough to notice that he was wasting away. Not his father, or his new stepmother and stepbrother. Not his friends, his teachers. Nobody.

Fine. If no one cared that he was wasting away, then he would just carry on wasting away.

By the time he met Blaine, Kurt found himself _needing _the three, four, sometimes five layers. The cold seemed to go right through him. And with all those layers, Blaine couldn't see just how thin his friend really was.

But hanging out with Blaine could be dangerous. Sometimes, when they went for coffee, he would buy a cookie or a muffin and insist on sharing it. There were only so many times Kurt could refuse. Every bite was painful. He could just _feel _the weight bubbling inside him with every tiny mouthful he swallowed, and the second he got home, he would put himself through an hour of rigorous exercise to make sure he burned it all off. And unlike the girls, Blaine would comment that a salad was _not _lunch. Kurt would laugh it off and say he always ate light at lunch because he ate dinner early. He didn't know if it convinced Blaine, but at least the boy didn't suspect what was really going on.

But that, of course, changed when they became a couple. They had only been dating for a week, and were cuddled together on the sofa watching a movie when Blaine asked him the dreaded question.

"Kurt, how much do you weigh?"

Said boy froze. After a few seconds, he shrugged. "I don't know."

"It's just that… well, you feel awfully thin."

Part of Kurt was smirking internally. He _was _pretty thin. The other part, however, was panicking. _It's ok! Just stay calm!_

"I've always been a little thin. It's just my body shape."

"Are you sure? Because… well, Mercedes showed me a picture of the two of you from about a year ago, and… well, you're a lot thinner now than you were back then."

"So I've lost a little weight since then! What's the big deal?" Kurt huffed. Now Blaine was just being ridiculous. He wasn't _that _thin for goodness sakes!

Blaine sighed. "Kurt… do you… eat?"

"Of course I eat! You've seen me eat tons of times!"

"I only ever see you eat salads, Kurt. With _nothing _in them, just lettuce! And… your brother said that you never eat dinner. You always say that you ate a big lunch and that you'll have a snack later. But I know for a fact that you _don't _eat a big lunch, and I'm willing to bet that you never get around to eating that snack either."

"And what exactly is your point Blaine?" Kurt huffed.

"I… Kurt, I have to be honest… I think you're anorexic."

That was it.

"Anorexic? I'm not anorexic Blaine! Just because I'm a little thin and I watch what I eat doesn't mean that I'm ill! I don't even weigh myself! So how can I be anorexic?" he yelled.

"You won't step on a pair of scales because you're too afraid to see how little you really weigh!"

"That's… not true," Kurt insisted with a lot less conviction than he wanted.

"Kurt, I think you need to see a doctor. Someone you can talk to, who can help you."

"Help me? There's nothing wrong with me! I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I am not ill, and I am not anorexic!"

And with that, he grabbed his bag and his jacket and stormed out, ignoring Blaine's pleas that he come back.

Blaine didn't know what he was talking about. He wasn't anorexic. He wasn't ill. He was perfectly healthy. Just a little on the thin side.

There was nothing wrong with him.

**Well, there's chapter one. The start was a little different from my usual style (ie, no dialogue lol) but I hope you enjoyed it. I think this will be a three shot but I'm not sure.**

**Please review, I'd love to see what you think!**

**Until the next chapter! xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**I know, I haven't updated anything in ages. I blame school -_- darn school-induced writers block.**

**IMPORTANT! In this story, Kurt never transferred to Dalton. He and Blaine sometimes have lunch together, which is how he knows Kurt's lunching habits, but Kurt IS STILL AT MCKINLEY! I stress this because I just know somebody is going to question me about it at some point lol**

**I'm now 18 ^^ lol for anyone who actually cares. And let me tell you, being 18 feels kinda weird. You know how usually after a birthday, you don't feel any different? Well, with 18, you do lol. It's odd ^^**

**Anyway, I have rambled far too much. Please enjoy chapter two of I'm not ok.**

That evening, when Kurt got home, he was immediately met with the sight of Finn standing in the kitchen doorway.

"Hey bro."

"Hi Finn."

"You hungry?"

Kurt raised an eyebrow. That was an odd thing for Finn to ask him.

"No, I ate at Blaine's," he lied.

"Are you sure?"

Ok, something was definitely up. Finn was looking at him with slight scepticism that made Kurt nervous.

"Yes, I'm sure."

Finn nodded and Kurt made to walk up to his bedroom before his stepbrother added "Blaine called not long ago."

Kurt froze. _Shit! What if he told Finn? Then Finn will tell dad and Carole, and they're all going to think there's something wrong with me when I'm not even..._

"He asked if you'd gotten home yet," Finn continued. "He said you two had a fight and you weren't answering any of his calls."

"Did he tell you what we fought about?"

"No."

Kurt inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, thanks Finn."

He hurried up to his room before he could be questioned further, confident that Finn would soon just forget about it.

But the boy was more perceptive than his stepbrother gave him credit for. He couldn't help but wonder why Kurt and Blaine had fought, and if it had anything to do with Blaine asking him about Kurt's eating habits a couple of weeks prior, which in itself was a little odd. Although, he _had _noticed that Kurt had lost a little weight. Maybe he was stressed? Whatever it was, Finn felt that maybe he should keep an eye on his stepbrother.

...

Kurt huffed as his phone vibrated for the thousandth time. Blaine was nothing if not persistent. He turned the infernal thing off and shoved it under his pillow, but he could still hear Blaine's voice ringing in his ears.

Anorexic? Seriously? Anorexics thought they were fat right? Well Kurt didn't; he _knew _he was thin. And he _liked _being thin. But this wasn't about being thin. It wasn't a problem at all...

... Maybe it was a little control issue. But not a _problem_. Not an _illness_. Not something Blaine should be making a big deal over.

Not something Kurt needed to worry about either.

So why was he trying to justify his lifestyle to himself? And why was he even _thinking _about that, let alone questioning it?

"You'd know if you had a problem Kurt," he muttered to himself.

And he even managed to convince himself that he believed his own words.

...

Blaine groaned in frustration as he got Kurt's answer phone _again_.

"Hi Kurt. I've been calling you. Well, of course you already know that." He sighed. "Kurt, I know you're upset with me. I know I was too... blunt. I should have been more sensitive. But Kurt... you have nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone... everyone copes in different ways. Please, just... just call me Kurt. Talk to me. I..." _love you_. But no. He couldn't say it now, not like this. Not over the phone, not in a _voice message_. "You mean so much to me Kurt. I just want you to be happy." And ok, he wasn't quite sure where _happy _had come from, but he realised after he'd said it that Kurt really _wasn't _happy. Maybe he had moment of happiness every now and then, had fun or enjoyed himself sometimes, but was he actually _happy_?

No, Blaine didn't think he was.

He hung up the phone with a sigh. He blamed himself, for the way he had handled the situation. After all the thought he had given it, really, he should have come up with a more sensitive approach.

He had noticed from the start that there was something behind Kurt's smile that just wasn't _right_, something he was hiding, something that Blaine knew went beyond the bullying. It wasn't difficult to realise that the boy hardly ate if you paid close enough attention, wasn't difficult to see that under the many layers of clothing, he was thin, too _too _thin, that as time passed he was beginning to look ill. All he'd wanted to do was help him...

He'd messed up. But he would put it right. He _needed _to.

...

It was midnight before Kurt finally turned his phone back on. There were dozens of missed calls from Blaine, a couple of texts from Mercedes, and a voice message; undoubtedly from Blaine too. He hesitated before finally deciding to listen to it.

Yes, he _did _know that Blaine had been calling him. Yes Blaine, he was upset, very perceptive. Sensitivity? Yeah, maybe he would like to try that sometime.

"_But Kurt... you have nothing to be ashamed of."_

That made Kurt tense up.

_Ashamed_.

His cheeks burnt red at the word. He wasn't thought. He wasn't ashamed. He wasn't...

Was he?

"_Everyone copes in different ways."_

It wasn't a coping method. It wasn't an issue. It was food for goodness sakes! He was in control of _it_, not the other way around! If he wanted to, he could go into the kitchen right now and eat the first thing he pulled out of the fridge.

_So why don't you?_

Kurt slid his phone shut and began tip-toeing downstairs, all the while trying to block out what Blaine had said. _You have nothing to be ashamed of..._

Ashamed. He wasn't...

Except... well, he sort of _knew_, deep down. He knew it wasn't exactly _normal_. But it was just a habit! A bit of a bad habit, and... well, maybe he was a little ashamed, but... but who _wasn't _a little ashamed by a bad habit? It didn't make it _wrong_. It didn't make it a _problem_. It didn't...

It took Kurt a moment to realise that he was standing at the kitchen counter. He drummed his fingers on the counter-top before opening the breadbin and pulling out a thin slice of whole-wheat.

_I can do this _he thought, chuckling nervously. _And that'll prove that I don't have a problem._

He raised the bread to his mouth, but... something stopped him halfway. Like an invisible force had just grasped a hold of his wrists. He shook his head as he again went to take a bite from the piece of bread, only to see his hands shaking. _Come on Kurt! It's a piece of bread for crying out loud!_

He tore off a small corner and jammed it into his mouth before his body could react weirdly again. _Ok, now just chew and swallow. It's not rocket science!_

Except his mouth didn't seem to want to listen. The bread weighed a ton on his tongue, and he couldn't seem to make his jaw move. The back of his throat began to close up, and a wave of nausea washed over him. Before he could stop himself, he'd spat the small mouthful out and rested his head in his hands, trying to overcome the feeling of wanting to throw up.

He _couldn't _do it. Why couldn't he? He had _wanted _to. And if he wanted to eat, he could. He was sure he could! He had done in the past. He had had control.

So where was it now?

**Yeah, that was a really heavy chapter. Mind you, this is a really heavy story, so. I've done so much research on eating disorders for this. I really want to get it right.**

**Again, not a lot of dialogue, but that's a running style for this story. I am quite liking writing like this myself.**

**So, what did you all think? I'd love some feedback! Like I said, I've never had an eating disorder myself, so I really do hope I am doing it justice. Please review! Reviews make me smile! ^^ Lol**

**Until the next chapter! xxx **


	3. Chapter 3

**I know, I know. School and writers block -_- it's all I'm saying.**

**For those of you who read my story 'Once Upon a Time With You', you will recognise Lindy. But can I say, this story has nothing to do with OUATWY, it's just that Lindy is kinda my official Blaine sibling lol ^^ For those of you who haven't read it, it's a future Klaine fic, give it a go if you like ^^**

**So I present you wonderfully patient people with chapter three of I'm not ok.**

This must have literally been the four hundredth time that Blaine had called Kurt since the day before, and it was still nine in the morning.

"Should go over there?" Blaine muttered.

"Not yet. Give me a minute, I think I've worked something out over here."

Blaine looked over at his sister Lindy. She was the spitting image of Blaine, and thirteen months his junior. She was sat on a chair with her laptop balanced on her knees, eyes skimming furiously over the screen.

Of course, she knew about the issue with Kurt. The Anderson siblings were very close, and Blaine didn't feel comfortable confiding in anyone else about this particular worry, so he had told Lindy, in the hope that she could come up with a better game plan than he had.

"Kurt's right," she eventually said. "He's not anorexic."

"Lindy, he _doesn't eat_," Blaine protested. The petite girl rolled her eyes.

"I said he wasn't anorexic. I didn't say he doesn't have an eating disorder."

Blaine narrowed his eyes in confusion as Lindy carried her laptop over to the bed and sat by Blaine.

"Look," she said, pointing to the screen. "It says here that some eating disorders don't follow the conventions of the already named ones. Most commonly being eating disorders that spur from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It's a control issue. Says here people usually start with calorie counting, being very specific about the foods they eat, when they eat them. And sometimes, it spirals out of control." She looked up at her brother. "I think Kurt has OCD of some kind that's specific to food."

Blaine nodded thoughtfully. It made a lot more sense, definitely. Especially regarding control, because one thing Kurt was adamant about was that he was _always _in control of a situation. He always wanted to be completely sure of what was going on.

"Yeah. That makes sense." He let out an exasperated breath. "So what now? I feel like if I go over there, he won't listen, whether I'm making sense or not."

Lindy nodded. "You're probably right. Want me to go over there?"

"He might freak out more if he knows you know."

Lindy thought about it for a moment, then snapped her fingers. "Ok, email him the page. Title the email 'I'm sorry' or something, something that will get him to open it. Then say something like 'if you don't agree with what I'm sending you, I'll drop the topic'. He'll probably want to read it then just to prove you wrong. You know how stubborn he can be."

Blaine chuckled in spite of himself. "Ok, let's do this."

xxxxx

Kurt was exhausted. He hadn't slept a wink, and Blaine, _damn him_, was still calling him.

His mind was still playing over the events of the day before. Everything that had happened, everything Blaine had said. He felt sick and confused, but most of all, he was scared. Scared because he felt like he was losing control. And if he didn't have control, bad things would happen. He knew they would.

Starting with whatever consequences would follow after he hurled his laptop out of the window, as he was very tempted to do. Stupid geography homework.

A little note flashed in the corner of the screen, telling him he had a new email. It was from Blaine, and it was titled 'I'm sorry'.

Part of Kurt wanted to ignore it, but he opened it up anyway, just to see what kind of pathetic, long winded plea Blaine had come up with to try and convince him to forgive him and admit he was anorexic, which he _was not_!

Maybe he had a bit of a food issue, but it was not an eating disorder for goodness sakes! He didn't think he was fat or anything! Plus, if it was a disorder, that would mean he was nuts, right? And Kurt was not crazy. He had it together, most of the time. He was fine.

_Kurt_, the email read, _I didn't handle things as well as I should have yesterday and I really am sorry. I just need you to do one thing. See the link I've attached to this email? Click on it and read it. Please Kurt. If you still don't think there's a problem once you have, I'll drop it, I promise. Just please read it. _

_Blaine xxx_

"Oh, this ought to be good," Kurt mumbled to himself, clicking on the link. Fine, he'd read the stupid whatever-it-was. Then he'd tell Blaine exactly how much bullshit he was coming up with, and maybe things could just get back to normal.

Because there really was no problem.

**Reeeeeaaaaaally short I'm afraid, but honestly, I just wanted to get SOMETHING out, cos this stupid writers block is like constantly rubbing a cheese grater across my forehead -_-**

**You're probably wondering why I overcomplicated things with the eating disorder instead of just making Kurt anorexic. I have two reasons;**

**1; although this is AU, I still wanna be as true to the characters as possible. and if Kurt were to be suffering from an eating disorder, I think this would be the most likely, because as it is said above, he doesn't have body issues, it's a control issue.**

**2; honestly, a lot of people probably suffer with a less well known eating disorder, and don't realise they are suffering from one because they only know anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder, see that they don't match the diagnosis, and think they're fine when something is genuinely wrong. And that's the kind of thing I want to highlight here.**

**Long authors note is long lol. Please pretty please drop me a review! Let me know what you think so far!**

**Until the next chapter! xxx**


	4. Hi guys

Hi guys

I know I've been away for freaking ever, so now I'm finally making my indefinite hiatus official. I love fanfiction; I feel it has helped me to really progress over the years. But I'm working on some original stuff right now! I'm hoping to self publish soon! The novella I'm working on is about two young guys on a cancer ward. I think it's coming along really well.

If you're interested in the book and you want to support me and keep updated (and that would really mean a lot guys) then please follow me on twitter (CristinaDesuke) or tumblr (desukelove) I hope to see you guys there! Wish me luck! xxx


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